idk how many this post will include, since i know many of those 100 so i already expect substack to not notify half of you that I even mentioned you lmao

so here we goo, this will be in no particular order, i write whoever i remember first and i’ll already be going through my sub list to make sure i didn’t forget any of my friends

Andddd well i wanted it to be special, more than just an appreciation post, so i’ll be going on how i became friends with each one of you guys, mwaaaah

@mar (guys, ik she left but she’ll be getting this, don’t get bored of me talking abt her all the time bc if i didn’t talk abt her then whom shall i talk abt?) and what shall i say? I’m just so thankful for my social anxiety it left me alone and let me comment on your note when you asked to talk abt Islam with someone, i liked you from that very first convo because be fr, who could make me talk this freely on our first talk if not an already amazing friend, already had a hugeeee friend crush on you and wanted to be your be your “bestie whom i can travel the world with and be happy for her sm whenever she accomplishes soemthign” tbh i got soooo jealous when i saw that note (that you probably forgot you even posted) that there might be a chance that another girl will get the honor to be this “bestie” so I hope I got the honor now. Our friendship is sooo important to me I’m praying everytime for it to last forever bc if you didn’t stay with me I’ll lose faith in true friendships. I love our memories so much, our hp convos, islam ones, i’m nostalgic to every convo we ever had and excited to spend hours yapping with you and watching you as you type, can’t wait to the day we’ll have vid calls for hours, or the day we’ll meet irl and i’ll be able to meet your amazing sisters, and introduce you to mine (as my wife who came to ask for my hand ofc hehe) And dw my love, i promise you, that when this blessed day comes, i’ll love irl aya even ways more than the online one i’d have known for years by then, and thank you, for always wiping my tears even tho you never caused them (except the days you left me alone here, bc yeah i cried) I love you so much and inshallah we’ll stay together forever, ameen.

My dear dear jaime, the only good thing in what happened for us is that it made us meet, although it was terrifying for me realizing that after our first talk (yeah after i forced you to give me your snap lmao) i’ve probably made my fav substacker and the one i have a very big friend crush on hate me. but my bad, didn’t know how kind and lovely you are, i always wanted to connect with you after that but i was afraid, till seeing your appreciation post, and notes where you said you wanna be friends with someone but you won’t talk first (i was so delusional to believe it was abt me, but whether it was or not IT WORKED) anwwww, I just wanna say that i’d do anything just to see you happy, to know you’re happy, you’re so cute that idk how ppl cannot just want to make you happy, i just always want to make sure you are bc if you’re not it’d be so cruel of the world to make my sweet little cutie sad. I want you also to know, that whenever you’re sad, overthinking, feeling unloved, know i’m still here and will always be, know that i think of you a lot, rlly a lot, whenever i see a shell, whenever i hear birds, or i see an apple juice or a guitar, well no so many things remind me of you i can’t sort them all, not gonna talk abt your silly emoji and cats emojis, bella kay and chase atlantic and unreasonable hate for taylor swift. I wanna thank you for being here to assure me when i asked you instead of leaving, and it won’t be fair if i didn’t tell you how just knowing that you are my friend makes me sosoooo happy just as i told you abt all my overthinkings. I love you sweetheart and i’ll be at my happiest the day you feel comfortable with me the way i am with you even if it took you years and i mean it. I love you mwaaaaaaaaah

MY SUGAR MOMMYYYYYYYY and my kitten and ummm the coolest girl out there whom I GOT THE HONOR TO BE HER FRIEND BC OMG, she used to terrify me sm guys like she’s just so cool lmao, AND HATS OFF FOR HER BC I NEARLY HAVE 5 OR 6 SUBS ARE ALL ONLY HER i love you so soooo much, mwah i love my sugar mommy

MY KITTENNNNNNNNNNN oh ohhhh yk you were the one who gave me the idea of this post? stella my adorable lovely kitten and omg she matches my craziness and take it to another level starting from our kittens litter to the substack sleepover that ppl thought she’s the sleepover host lmao, anw i love you sm kitten, i love how you always match my craziness, i love how we became friends bc it was so random like ik your name like i saw it before then i remember you commented on one of my notes abt friends saying you wanna do all close friends stuff with me, and i was like well idk her but AWWWWWWWWW THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE and that’s how we became friends and i’m glad, i love you so much my kitten and oh ohhh how i love it when i’m included in your gn notes sometimes it’s just so endearing, my fav poet you are sweetie, i love you soooo muchhh

brooo i love you soo muchhh you’re rlly so coooool and i feel so happy when you like a note or a post of mine thank you a lotttt

My lovely pretty good girl, my sweet جيني and my lovely cherry blossom, isn’t it insane how we became friends? but anw i just wanna tell you that after you disappeared for some time i had this urge to msg you sbbb and i was rlly afraid to do bc what if you wanted me away? but i’m glad you did bc now i’ve got the cutest girl out there and she’s my sweet superhero and my enola holmes watching partner🤭 i love you so much my adorable girl, i hope we’ll stay friends forever and you’re stuck with me my dear im not gonna leave you, wi love you sosooo much and can’t wait to the day when we meet irl and spend just the best days ever, i love you so much bbg

MY NINIIIIIIIIIIIIII omg do i rlly need to tell ya how much i love you? you’re just sooooooooo sweet and lovelyyy and amazing friend, and my lockwood and co watching partner tooooo, i love you sosoooo much queen hugsssssssss🫂🫂💕

MY TWINN even tho we’re not matching pfps anymore, you’ll always be my spiritual twin bc we matched pfps even tho we didn’t know each other lol, ngl i got jealous of you at the beginning bc you were so close to aya (whom i have just known back then and had a huge friend crush on her) AND ALSO STEALED MY PFP!!!!!!! but lmao srsly you’re one of the sweetest ppl i’ve talked to and i’m glad we’re friends, I LOVE YOUUUU MWAAH

@sylpiette ( can anyone send her this?) okay girl you’re sooo sweet, will always have you on my “want to be friends with” bc you’re so sweet and ik we can be a really good friends and i’ve always imagined you as a very cute lovely girl so yeah sending love and i miss youuuuu

ttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa QUEEEEEEEEN i love you sososooo much you’re just sooo amazinggg i can’t wait to come over and just spend sm time binge reading and watching your fav shows, learn the opalite dance with you hehe and bake and enjoy everything ekjdh and girllllllllllll you’re writings are sooooo fucking amazingggggg I LOVE YOU SOSOOO MUCH QUEEEEN

my poppy blossom you sweetieeeeee i don’t even remember how we became friends lmao but i genuinely love you you’re rlly so cute and you’re always here for me when im down and your sweet words always help me so i love you sosoo much my lovee

QUEEEEEEEN i genuinely love you sosooo much for all the love you show me and that you always are here whenever i feel a little bit bad so thank you smmm i love you alotttttttt queeeen

QUEEEEEN I MISS YOU SOSOOO MUCHHHHHH come back to us i hope everything is going well with you sweetie sending so much love and hugssssss

my girlllllll i love you sosooo muchhhhhh sweetie thank you for all the love you show meeeeee

SWEETIE I MISS YOUUUU i love you so much and i wish you allllll the best MWAAAAAAAAH

MY WIFEYYYYY lishy omg i love you sosooo muchhh i miss you tooo, you’re rlly so lovely and adorable and i love you a lottttt and i love our yaps and everything you’re literally the sweetest

Queeeeeen i love you sososo muchhh and im so gladdd i made it to be your friendd sending all love and hugsss

MY PASCAAAAAAAL oh girllll you rlly are sosoooo sweet ig we’re friends bc of maryam so yupp im glad im friends with you bc you’re rlly so sweet and adorable i love you soso much my girllllll

ANUSHKAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHERE ARE YOU GIRLLLL i wanted to text you but i didn’t find our chat and i went searching for your acc everywhere i miss you smmmmm, thank you soooo much for all the lovely like sprees i get from you cutieee i miss you sm sending lots of love my girll

MY GUARDIAN ANGEL SHALL I SAY girl you’re just so sweet you appear suddenly and then you go again idk but i rlly love you so much i feel so happy seeing you in my notifications thanks a lot sweetheart

GIRL HONESTLY you’re just sooooo cooool omg and i like you smm enuinely wanna be friends with you so yup, THANK YOU SMM I LOVE YOUUU

Anddd now bc i can’t write a paragraph for everyone i love and care abt over here so SHOUTOUT FORRRRR

substack’s amazingggggg trioooo i love yall smmmm, , (WHERE ARE YOU GIRLLLLL AHHHH), , , , , , (I MISS YOU SMMMMMM GIRLLLL) , ,, , , , andddd , I LOVE YALL SMMMMMMMMMMMM AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU’VE SHOWED ME HERE

okieeeee so sorryyy if i forgot anyone i rlly love yalll, might be updating it once i remember anybody else so yup, i hope you enjoyed trying to find your name over here bc im pretty sure substack will be so helpful and won’t notify most of you guys😭

anw, genuine thanks for every single one who showed me love over here, im not a writer and id never call myslef so, but this place was where i found my friends so imma always be so grateful for meeting all of you guys i love you so much🥹💕💕💕

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I hate my laugh, my teeth look bad, and I look silly

I keep trying to keep my mouth closed

I hate talking

Not when I’m with the right ones tho,

Only when I know no one will listen

I know, you know, that you won’t listen

Why then keep asking me to talk?

I hate how I look

I hate being tall, I just wanna be short enough to be unnoticeable

You already don’t notice me, lemme hide in peace

I hate every single photo we took

It just shows me how bad I look

Compared to you.

I hate myself around you.

Not because I compare, yet I admit I do

Not because you leave me all out, yet you always do

Not because you thought that me being always silent is the normal me, just because I can’t talk with you anymore

I hate myself when I’m around you because I just crave the company of myself then, the company of people I truly love, because I know for a fact that the friends I once thought were my people made me hate people

I hate my laugh when I’m with you

Only I know how fake it is

I don’t laugh like this

I smile a genuine smile and giggle when I’m happy

I know my smile when I’m happy

And I know when I fake a laugh

I hate my fake laugh, and therefore, it made me hate my laugh

I love my smile

The smile I have when I’m texting my friends

The cute yet silly reaction I give whenever someone makes me feel loved

I know these, I love these

The smile I have while I’m on my laptop talking to one of my favourite people

The giggle I try to hide when one of my pretty girls flirts with me

The happiness I feel knowing that there are people who care about me

I hate my laugh

But I love my smile so much

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I have always wondered, Who will be my future man? What will he look like? How will he treat me? Am I going to find the man I always dreamed about anyway?

And I just realised, suddenly, that actually he exists, he is somewhere living and existing. But the point is, MY MAN DOES EXIST!!

I don’t know, but the idea just came to my mind that he is somewhere with some people, maybe he’s thinking about me, maybe he is thinking about the girl he is dating, whom he thinks he will marry one day, not knowing that they won’t end up together. Why? Well, because years later we will be having some random conversation at breakfast, and he will tell me that none of his previous relationships have ever worked out, as it was always meant to be me.

The fact that maybe he lives in the same neighbourhood as mine, or maybe we go to the same supermarket, or love the same restaurant. Maybe he is passing by my home rn, maybe he is going to the school I pass by every day. Maybe I passed by him on a random day at the mall. Maybe he doesn’t think he’ll ever be loved, but he also doesn’t know that he’ll be loved so dearly by me. Maybe he doesn’t like reading books, but he doesn’t know that he will read books that I say I love. Maybe he loves to cook, maybe not, but anyway, I’d love to cook for him.

I write because I don’t know him, I don’t know who he is, or where he is. I don’t even know when we will meet each other. I just know that I want to keep pieces of me for him to know when I find him, we will meet each other while there are already 20 or 25 years of our lives spent, and we didn’t know each other through it, I want him to know the 15-year-old me. The silly teenage girl who wanted love so badly. Also, sometimes I feel so lonely that I wish he was here, so I write for him that when we meet, he’ll know how much I’ve waited for him, he’ll know how much I needed him before, but I was strong enough to continue on my own, so he’ll never hurt me because he knows how strong I am but still need him, it’s pretty comlpicated but I know that I want him to read every silly thing I’ve wrote in my notes app, I wrote it for him to read it one day.

Maybe I actually know him, maybe he doesn’t love me now, but maybe he is the one, maybe he will do one day, maybe not, and maybe he will be one I never expected him to be. But I know he is doing something right now, and I will make him read this one day.

After all, I’m not in a rush, I know that we will meet exactly when we are meant to, maybe because we both need to be better versions of ourselves before we are together, maybe we still need to learn how to love right that we don’t hurt each other, maybe we are just not ready, it’s just not the right time. I’ll wait for him, and I’ll just make the years left until I meet him full of happiness and meaning on my own, because even if I want him in my life to be happier, I can make myself happy, I won’t let those years pass by because I am waiting for someone I am not supposed to meet now because it just needs time.

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I realized I was missing a true connection in my life. I don’t have anyone I can call a friend. The only friend I have is my sister, with whom I can’t share everything. I crave connection with people I can be myself around.

I crave connection with people I can be myself around.

I want friendships where we can discuss religion, literature, philosophy, art, movies, and books.

I don’t want fake friends anymore.

I’m done with friends who only talk about boys and relationships, not true love.

I’m looking for people who don’t fill their spare time watching other people’s lives.

I’m looking for friends with whom I can debate our favorite books and movies.

I want friends who are tired of the rush of this world, just like me.

Friends who stop by to notice the beauty of the world around them.

I want to have a connection with some people where we can spend hours discussing the last book we read or the series we’re watching.

I’ve had enough of friendships where everything feels so fake and unreal.

I’ve had enough of friends who don’t see me as important unless there’s nobody else to sit with but me.

I’ve had enough of friendships that bring me depression instead of pulling me out of it!!

May 1, 2026

I wrote that post on my previous acc, just 6 days after knowing this girl. It was about her mainly, and about all the ones I wanted to be friends with back then. Now I’m her best friend, I’m friends with nearly everyone I wanted to be friends with, and I shall just say, I got the real connection I wanted, so thank you my loves for being truer friends for me more than the ones I met irl.

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But I love deseeding pomegranates, I enjoy it, it gives me the space to feel this peaceful feeling.

Deseeding pomegranates was an annoying task to me, which is normal, then I had that moment when I fell in love with it, in cutting it into two halves, the red water bleeding from it on the cutting board, holding the first half and splitting it by my bare hands into another two halves, listening to the tiny burst when each seed comes loose with soft juicy pop.

I didn’t learn how to love pomegranates, I just did. When I looked at it, at its pretty dark red color, when I listened to the soft voice it makes. I love the very dark red seeds and the white unripe seeds. I just love seeing my hands covered with the red juice of pomegranates.

I don’t care about the mess it’ll make, I love the mess it’ll be making because it’s beautiful, for me, it is beautiful. And I don’t think if I love eating pomegranates or not will make any difference in the love I have for the mess it makes. Whether I’ll eat pomegranates or not, I love the mess deseeding them makes.

And for me, it doesn’t worth the mess, for me, I do it for it’s mess.

And it makes me wonder, will someone love me, not despite the mess I make but because of it? Will someone see beauty in the mess in me? Will someone know the mess I can make and choose to love me? Will they stay even after they have stains of me on their souls?

I don’t wanna worth the mess, I wanna be loved for the mess I make.

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I fell asleep after crying, or maybe I was pretending to sleep?

You get closer, you feel bad bc you didn’t know I was going through it again

But love, since when does anyone know when overthinking breaks me?

You’re watching me, laying down there on the chair, the book is beside me, I was studying when it hit so bad

The laptop on my lap, I was trying to get out of this shit, but I couldn’t

You put it away, and you noticed that I’ve been writing so much these days

You get closer

You know I was waiting for someone, anyone, to be here with me

But they’re all gone, no one is with me

So you came

You put my glasses away,

You kiss my eyelids, you know how tired I am

Looking at my wet lashes, so pretty, have such sad beauty

You trace the paths tears left on my cheek, you wish you were here with me

But if you were here, would you have done anything anw?

Don’t take me to my bed, I don’t wanna be alone there

Just sit beside me

hug me

lemme rest my head onto your chest

lemme feel safe that I can cry as much as I want now

without sleeping to escape my overthinking

But would you stay?

Would you stay even after I wake up and cry so bad bc of overthinking?

Why did you come in the first place?

I never knew someone worse than me in overthinking, and it’s just ruining my life

Why do you care?

But I don’t want to overthink now, I’ll just stay here

Between your arms, all voices are just noises out there

Will you leave one day?

Probably, most likely you will

But if you have another plan, then baby, just lemme stay safe, lemme sleep

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I don’t care when it will happen, I’m not in a rush either. I’m just.. waiting.

Because I know it’ll be lovely, I wish it would be lovely.

I watch lovers and think, “Is this love? to be chosen?”

But oh lord no, I’m chosen and I know it, chosen by my family to love me, chosen by my friends. I don’t want a man to love me just to feel chosen.

“I believe everyone chose you.

In love, there is a choice. To hate them. To tolerate them. Or to love them, be it may you’re their sis, daughter, or friend (me and u), we all chose you. To love you.

A big and firm believer that everyone is chosen. And love is an option (in most cases). And if you are loved, it is mostly by choice.”

But if love isn’t just about being chosen, then what?

I watch my friend and her boyfriend, and I think, “Is this love, to have your person? to have someone to talk to all day, tell your silliest thoughts, someone who is yours? In other words, is love about being important in someone’s life? ”

But does this mean that I don’t have “my people”? That I don’t have close friends whom I can yap to for hours, knowing that they care? That I’m not important in anyone’s life just because I’m not loved by a man yet?

Does that mean that my friends aren’t mine? that they dgaf about me being in their lives or not unless they have their person?

Does it mean that friendships aren’t enough? That I can leave my friends and they won’t care because they have other people to love?

“You do make us happier tho. Just don’t leave, take your time to regulate yourself. All is well until you leave, then you’ll make us feel like crap and make us overthink whether you ever cared or not.”

For too long, I thought that I needed so that my life would feel complete is a man to love me. But now, feeling that my life is complete without that love being there, made me realize how love is more than one person loving you and mating you for lifr, love is always here, always will be, in family and friends. It doesn’t need you to wait for one person all your life just to feel chosen or important in someone’s life. You can be chosen by many people in your life, other than the love of your life. You can be important in so many people’s lives, not just one person’s life. Love is… how love should feel.

I don’t know how love, romantic love, feels, but I know I’m not in a rush, I don’t care whether it came or not at this point, because I know love exists in many other forms, with many other people I care about, many other people I love.

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Sometimes it feels safe that everything changes, but my heartbeat has been the same, yet I know it’ll stop one day bc nothing good has ever lasted.

Sometimes, it gives me hope, I’m still going on, I still can go through this. I will go through this if my heart is meant to beat more.

But, sometimes it’s so overwhelming, it terrifies me, I don’t wanna feel it. I guess I can differentiate the heartbeat that comes when I’m overthinking from my usual heartbeat. It hurts, it hurts so bad, feeling my heart bump and knowing I’ll go through this.

I always put my hand on my neck to fall asleep, and I always need to hear my heartbeat, even if it’s terrifying me sometimes..

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What if someone loved me so much that he wouldn’t judge me, even after seeing the deepest parts of me? What if he loves me so much that he won’t think I’m silly? He’ll call it depth, not drama, and see it as sincerity, not silliness.

Will anyone ever love me enough to study my playlists to know how I feel? Stalk my accounts to know how I think. Check up my search history to know what’s the best gift to get me. Watch my favourite series to know how I see love. Gets close to my family because he knows I want us to be a whole. Ask my sister about the younger me to know how to love me right.

Will anyone ever love me so that I can leave my old journals with him? He’ll read them without telling me because he knows how much it’ll make me anxious. Because he knows how much I’m afraid that I’ll be seen, but also knows I want him to see me. That’s why I told him where I hide my journals. That’s why I feel safe leaving them to him. Because he’ll understand me, he won’t make fun of me. He’ll see the younger me and love her.

But what if I didn’t find him? I hardly believe I will anyway. I can’t ever believe that someone will choose me. Who will know everything in me, every detail, every flaw, and still choose me, still choose to stay, every day, for the rest of our lives?

I wish I could find him, I wish he would choose me. Because if he did, I know I’d love him to read my old journals, to know my craziest thoughts, how my days were going back in 2026, years before we knew each other, to know the nights I cried myself to sleep, wishing he was by my side. I want him to know the nights I spent yapping about him for hours with my sister when we were supposed to be sleeping, and the days I spent with my friend writing the most insane things that came to mind.

I want him to know I’ve been thinking about him since I was 13, and I started journaling at 14, so he would read those journals, and here I am at 15, writing him a letter, hoping he’ll read it without telling me he did, because he knows how bad my anxiety becomes.

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Okay so my fav things, I’d rlly enjoy doing this

Colors: Dark red and shades of brown

Show: Anne with an e

Movies: hmm 90s rom coms generally, harry potter anddd enola holmes

Books: Anne of green gables, harry potter, everyone in my family has killed someone

Game: not the games person

Artists: umm Taylor swift, emma watson, anne hathaway, van gogh

Sport: volley ball and swimming

Hobbies: reading, drawing, watching movies, baking, cooking as well and crocheting

Songs: hmm The life of a showgirl, Cuando nadie ve, Perfect and fictional

Place: My room

Thrill: huh? umm idk drawing maybe

Style: oversize, dark colors, scarf, a little bag

Accessory: silverrr, rings ofc

Quote: “some people can never believe in themselves, until someone believes in them.”

Animal: Horses, dogs and cats

Scents: Vanilla, baking, gas and nail polish

Aesthetic: hmm idk, clean girl?

Drink: Coffee

Flower: Peoniessssssss

City: Edinburghhh and Alexandria

Fabric: Chiffon like in dresses

Instruments: Guitar def

Candy: hmm the bears candy (?😹)

Weather: Rainy/ windy

Board game: idk not a games person

Element: idkkkk

Shoe: Converse

Planet: venus

Myth: GREEK MYTHOLOGY OFCC

Greek god: Athena

Fruit: watermelons

Season: winter and autumn

Subculture: idk😭

Gemstone: ruby (?)

Bird: Owlsss

Constellation: Cassiopia

Zodiac: Cancer

Texture: idk cats ????

Natural Place: the beachhhhhh

Soda: not a soda person jgdkh

Sounds: Rain and fire

Tech: idkk

Poet: not someone specific but pre-islamic arab poets in general

Character: Anne shirley cuthbert anddd enola holmes

Hot drink: hot chocolate

Niche hobby: ahhhh idk?

Creature from myths: Pegasus

Random object: Pens

Vibes: Any warm autumn vibes

Candle scent: VANILLA

Philosophy: idkkk

Philosopher: Aristo

Detail: that vein in my forearm that appears sometimes and disappears most of the time

Historical event: idk

Type of horror: psychological ofcc

Weapon: a swordd

Interior Detail: idkkk

Brand: ahh idk😹

Okieeeeeee that’s itttt for anyone who cares dfh i enjoyed writing it so whateverrrr😽

—

I’m so tired, feeling dizzy, and so exhausted.

I lay down on the couch, as usual.

I want my mum to bring me medicine because I feel too weak to bring it to myself, but I don’t want to ask.

So I just lay down on the couch, rest my head, and try to sleep

I’m tired, I want to sleep.

Why don’t I just walk to my room and do my daily “before bed rituals”?Clean the room, pray, put a bottle of water beside my bed, do my skin care, journal, read, then finally, after an hour or half an hour if I’m lucky, I sleep in my bed knowing everything is alright.

Why do I just lay down here so tired, trying to sleep, knowing that if I sleep now, like this, I’ll do nothing of those?

I don’t know, I just sleep, hoping my mum will notice how sick I am and give me a medicine and tell me to go to bed, just as she used to when I was 8.

I just want to feel like 8 again. I don’t want to feel that I’m all on my own, that I do everything for myself, for a moment, I want to feel like a daughter.

I lay my head and I stop thinking. I sleep more easily than usual. I know I will.

After some time, I feel my mother’s hand on my head, telling me to go to bed.

Oh how long had it been since someone told me to go to bed?

This is all I want, to feel like a child, to have no responsibility, not even the responsibility of putting myself in bed, the one I’ve had for years. And insisting on not going to bed even when my eyes are literally closing, asking for another 15 mins before going to bed, this tastes like my childhood.

But I don’t insist on staying longer this time, my longing for my bed and blanket is stronger.

I stand up, mother holds my stuff and leads me to my room.

I enter my room, and it’s a literal mess. My hair is messy as well, I need water beside me, I need to do my skin care, I need to do a lot of things before I end my day.

Then I say screw it. When I was younger, I just went to my bed. Nothing will happen if I ignore everything and just act like a 8 years old again.

I go to my bed without even closing the lights, and I tell my mum to bring me some medicine. I ask for it just like a little kid, and I don’t want to just go and get it for myself.

She goes for less than 5 mins, and suddenly I find myself crying, and oh my I don’t even understand why I cry, but I feel so bad suddenly, I cry and cry so hard, and it’s really confusing because everything is fine, but I’m just crying.

And, going back to my personality, I hide my tears before mum enters again, oh I’m so good at this, I will never be 8 again, when mum always knew that I was crying, and just like now, I was never good at telling what I feel, so I just hide my tears.

I take the medicine from mum, she brings water with her, I take them slowly as she’s standing beside the little lamp waiting for me to finish so she closes the light.

She closes the light and goes to the door on the opposite side of the room, and says goodnight. We both feel weird, it has been so long since mum last put me in bed, but I say goodnight and roll in my blankets and sleep with a very clear mind, feeling just like a 8 years old again, not taking on my own responsibility.

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“I love you” means that I wanna be with you right now, and if I’m already with you, it means that I’m the happiest person ever.

It means that I want to listen to you talking about your favourite show/book, I want to hear your voice, and I can spend hours, I want to spend hours listening to you.

It means that I feel better when you’re around, and I miss you when you’re gone because I won’t know how you’re doing or how your days are going.

“I love you” is more than “I care about you,” it’s “I’m always thinking about you.”

I always think about you, so I smile randomly in the middle of my day— not because I remembered you, you’re always on my mind, because I just feel happy when I realize I have you in my life.

For so long, I spent much time without hearing “I love you” from anyone. Not even casually.

But now I have people who tell me that they love me everyday but oh how much I’m scared if they’re just saying it..

Because every single time I said that I love them, it meant something deep inside me, they meant something to me.

I’ll love you and give you the best nickname. I love you and will spam you with random stuff happening in my life. I love you, and I’ll write you an 11 page letter when you’re not here. I love you, and I’ll call you my kitten. I love you, and I’ll tell you when life gets hard on me.

I love you, and I’ll be thinking about you all day. I love you, and I’ll draw you. I love you, and I’ll try to write for you.

I love so many people, they all mean so much to me. Because they once told me something nice. Saw that I was down, then tried to make me feel better.

For those, I shall say I love you, and what “I love you” means differs from me to you, but I love you in the way I love, and in the way you want to be loved.

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I want to be a flower. I would love it if people told me I have a sweet, rosy fragrance. I’d have loved lovers gently touching my petals, amazed by my bright colors.

I want to be a seagull. I would love to wake up every morning and go hunting in the sea, with white feathers all over me, letting out a sharp, wild cry, unmistakably a seagull’s.

I want to be a famous artwork, a masterpiece. I would love it if people came from all over the world just to see me, to talk about how rare and special I am.

I want to be a droplet of rain. I would love to go up and up, rest gently on a cloud, then pour down with other droplets, falling on somebody’s smiling face or on a tree grateful for the rain.

I’d have loved to be sunlight, not too faint, not too intense either. The gentle sunlight that falls on a beautiful girl’s hair. I would love to spread gently, illuminating every beautiful thing in the world.

I want to be sea breeze, so windy in the winter, so refreshing in the summer. I would love to touch the surface of the sea, make some lovely, gentle waves.

I want to be the moon. I would love it if people remembered me when it’s dark, compared me to beautiful women. I would love to teach them that we all have our time to fade.

I want to be fresh-baked bread, everyone’s favorite. Smells special and noticeable. Tastes good, but not in the way chocolate does, in my very own way.

I want to be beautiful. I would love it if someone were staring at me, wondering how beautiful I can be, just like I stare at the world around me.

I want to be loved. I would love it if someone had noticed the little details about me, the love in me, just the way I notice love around me.

I want to be love. I loved it so dearly that someone saw me as kind and loving.

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And about our home, you ask.

I want our home to be lovely, and I want to be loved in our home.

To be hugged in the kitchen,

to cuddle on this couch,

to spend hours yapping before sleeping.

Our home, I’d love it small, lovely, and warm.

Every corner hides a memory.

A laughter,

a breakdown,

a fight you ended well.

I want to remember the times you bought me flowers on your way home.

I’ll put them here and treat them like my babies.

Our babies.

I want to have a pretty little girl to be her daddy’s princess,

when she’s young and when she gets older.

I won’t let you love her less when she grows up, or even not show her much love.

I won’t let her fall for any boy who tells her some sweet words because her daddy doesn’t love her anymore.

I know you will love her. So much too.

I know I’ll be jealous of my own daughter, who looks like me,

and I’ll be proud too.

Because my little princess stole her daddy’s heart just like her mama did before.

I want a little boy to be my little love.

A small piece of you to remember you whenever you’re not here.

He’ll take care of his sister, and they both will be so loved by us.

I want our home to be their safe place.

I never want them to wait for school, so they escape from this place.

Or keep hiding in their rooms because they know what’s waiting for them outside the doors.

I want my family to come and visit us every weekend.

I want to see you and my little brother playing in our veranda.

I want to see you happy with my family.

I want to see our home full of happiness and love

Would you hug me till I sleep?

I want you to hug me till I sleep.

And I’ll always remember the way you’ll run your hands through my hair before we sleep.

The way you’ll stare at me when I’m sleeping.

The way you wait for me to do everything together.

The way your hands hug me when I’m at my lowest.

The way you ask me to rest for some time.

The way you appreciate the effort I put into this house to be our home,

that you’ll never disturb the peace in here.

Because you know how long I waited for such a peaceful home.

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